To be honest, being called Chardonnay is ridiculous. But the name sticks

We like Footballers' Wives so much that when it's on, we urinate into our own pants with the ferocity of a policeman's horse. But it’s just not been the same since Susie Amy left. We've tried to enjoy ourselves,but the day her character, Chardonnay, walked out of our lives was a dark day indeed – like the death of a small, but nonetheless sexually attractive pet.

So, we called her and asked if she’d mind posing for some photos in her underwear - forgetting to mention that we worked for a magazine. She filed for a police injunction, but after months in court, the whole mess was sorted out and this happened. Oh, and it was her birthday!

Hello, Susie. Happy birthday!

Thanks very much.

We got you a present. It's a Kinder Egg, but I just sat on it, just now, when we started the interview.

Well, thanks anyway. I love Kinder Eggs.

That's all right. Now, we found one of your old school reports from Strode's College in Egham...

Oh, fantastic! I did my A-levels there. Hang on, is it bad?

It says, 'Susie was keen to test boundaries, but in a courteous way.' What does that mean?

Well, I'm quite cheeky. Polite but cheeky.I'll always test the water, I always have…

It also says that you ‘weren’t the hardest working student I’ve ever taught’. Would you like to reply to that teacher, through the pages of Maxim, using a stream of graphic swearwords?

Hmm… well, it’s true; I wasn’t that hard working. I reckon that report was written by my theatre studies teacher. I liked him.

Did you find it difficult growing up with two first names?

I get called Amy all the time. I just answer to both. I had loads of nicknames too. My boyfriend calls me ‘Pink’. I don’t know why – it just stuck. A:That’s a dldn’t like to be called ‘Brown’.

We saw you on Richard & Judy not long ago. Did Richard say anything so embarrassing that you wanted to punch him in the face?

I love them two! They are so comical. I’m not sure if they mean to be comical – I don’t know what it is about them. I love the way they are with each other. A husband and wife who aren’t all over each other all the time is just a perfect combination. I love it when she says, ‘Just shut up, Richard!’. It’s quality. But no, Richard Madeley didn’t say anything bad to me, thankfully. Sorry to disappoint!

Unlike Richard & Judy, Footballers’ Wives is a bit racy. How was that for you?

I was quite lucky, really – I didn’t have to do too much in the way of nudity. That all came after I left. But if you’re comfortable with taking your clothes off, it’s fine. If you’re not, though, it will probably come back to haunt you.

Did you have any say in the name ‘Chardonnay’?

It changed. When I auditioned, she was called Cheryl. Chardonnay is definitely better.

Everyone always remembers that time that Chardonnay got her breasts set on fire.

Yeah. We actually filmed that on September 11th. I can’t tell you how petty that day felt. It was so completely meaningless. There we were, making a TV show, when all that was going on. It was a surreal and horrible day. On a different day, then maybe it would have been funny, but setting fire to my breasts while the Twin Towers were attacked was a bit too horrible. My weirdest day.

Are you hard? We heard you trained with a sword for a role.